To Deserve or Not Deserve – that is not the question.

I have decided that I will not longer say someone “deserves”  or “doesn’t deserve” anything. It’s like there is a Higher Being out there, doling out “rewards” or “punishments” and who occasionally mistakenly bestows some thing or act or fortune. And what would this world be if the Higher Being many believe in were imperfect? Might as well be human.

Maybe I began thinking this way because a seemingly nice homeless lady in the Tenderloin politely asked me for food, and I realized that deserving and not deserving is subjective. (Does she deserve her homelessness? Does she deserve the remains of my Chipotle burrito bowl, which I’d saved for tomorrow’s breakfast, an eight-course spread at a fancy restaurant, or hunger?)

Maybe it’s because a person sounds like scum when he says someone else deserves something bad, as though he knew the circumstances that surrounded it.

Or maybe I only just began thinking this way because my friend and I were discussing a certain number of blessings I may have received and it was said that I deserve them, to which I may have replied, “o rly.” Her confidence made me question the truth in her belief.

The verdict? The truth is, very little I do is good enough for me. (Except the purchase of that Karen Millen dress, which I wore to my brother’s wedding). When others say I did a good job, I think it was, eh, only okay.

Worth. Every. Pound.

Chalk it up to lack of confidence? The funny thing is, it is only before and after that I doubt myself, and once I am in the middle of whatever I was doubting, I feel fully secure in my abilities, my own charm, my eloquence. Upon examination post-event, objectively speaking it was fine, but there would be a little niggling feeling in the back of my brain that I could have been, oh, a teeny-weeny bit better (cooler, smarter, funnier, cleverer, etc.), even when, objectively speaking, it would have made no difference to the outcome. Truth.

Back to the topic at hand. Does my having made bad choices in the past make me less deserving of good fortune I receive from here on out? (Good fortune, in this case, is a job in advertising here in San Francisco.) Or does the good my friends see me make me deserving of the job I seek, or a sudden windfall, or even kindness from strangers?

I would rather not leave it to humans to determine that.

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